First, a Warning

If you came here to identify with the feelings and behaviors of an addicted person, you are definitely in the right place. Welcome. We won't give you a basic course in alcoholism and drug abuse, but we will talk about how you are feeling if you have a problem.

How do I know if I have a problem?

You have probably taken the tests and answered the questions they ask about your alcohol and drug use, and lied like a son-of-a-gun when you thought there were too many yes answers, so we will not ask you any of those "have you ever" questions either.

Let's talk instead about the feelings of self loathing you have right now. You know, the way you hate yourself when you promised yourself that today would be different, that today you would not drink or use the way you have done in the past, and then, you did it again. Or about the times that you've decided to cut down, drastically. Maybe you've even gone for a week or more without using anything, no booze, no pills, no illegal stuff, no nothing. But it was too hard. That awful jiggy feeling, the knot in your stomach, the sweats, the lack of sleep, the just plain feeling nuts. Too much! So you had no choice but to do it again. And then you felt defensive even when the only person finding fault with you was you. You think you are a loser, but not for long because you know how to stop that having that feeling!

It's not as if you spend every day in a bar. You work, have a home and family, you even spend some time doing fun things. Unfortunately, your mind can't rest unless you know where the next hit is coming from. You're more comfortable spending time with people who drink the way you do. They never make any of those comments like, "Gee, do you have to have another one?" like you've heard from the people who insist that they care about you. You've even been careful to develop a serious set of rules around how and when you use alcohol or other drugs. You definitely won't use in the early morning hours. Your mother used to tell you that, "People who have to drink in the morning must have a problem with drinking". Besides, it's not good to go to work with the smell of booze on your breath.

The Pills

That's why the pills are so good. You can take a couple in the morning and nobody's the wiser for it. Granted, they are not as effective as a good, stiff drink, but you've come to depend on them in a pinch. And besides, the doctor prescribed them for you so they can't be all that bad. Well yeah, it does say on the label not to use them when you drive a car. You've never had any problem driving after you've used them.

And speaking of the pills. You probably have several prescriptions going at once, maybe from several different doctors, just to be sure that you will never run out. There are the pain killers, the tranquilizers, the uppers and the downers and those in-betweeners. You already know that you can use them to enhance the effect of the alcohol. You use them when you don't want anyone to know that you have been drinking. Or maybe you have stopped drinking and you are trying to get along with just the pills to prove to yourself that you don't have a problem with alcohol!

Lying to Yourself

If you are buying illegal drugs you already know that you have a problem. But even if you know, there is that thing called DENIAL. It's the thing that tells you that you don't have any problem at all. Try to remember this my friend; every time you tell yourself you are not in trouble, that the definition of denial is sincere self-delusion. That means that you are lying to yourself and believing it! Your own mind has become your worst enemy, so when you are alone, you are truly in bad company.

No doubt someone around you has mentioned that you seem to have a problem with booze or drugs. They may have asked you to try to stop. They may even have threatened you of dire consequences if you don't stop. They have become very annoying to you. Why don't they just mind their own business? If you ever get as bad as they say you already are, certainly you will stop! It's a pretty good bet that if the people who love you are concerned about your behavior, your drinking and your drugging, that you already have something to worry about.

If you had my problems, you'd drink too!

Well," you think, "I can control it." " I can stop anytime." " I have stopped dozens of times before." Now think about what you have just said. If you have had to stop dozens of times, it probably already is a problem. Right? But they don't understand, do they? You need to drink If they had the problems that you have, or the pressures, or the responsibilities, or the worries, or the disappointments, or the......... whatever! You're right, if they felt the way you feel most of the time, they would need to do something to make those feelings go away.

You think that basically you are a bad person, don't you? Oh, don't worry, no one else knows that, you've managed to put on a pretty good act. The face that the world sees is not the real you, not at all. You could never tell anyone how you really feel. Can't hang your dirty laundry in the street! What would people think if they knew that you have a giant hole in the middle of your soul that only the alcohol can fill. Who could possibly understand the fears? How could you explain that you know, without a doubt, that everyone is against you? If you told anyone they might think you are paranoid. You worry a lot about what people think of you, but at the same time you don't give a darn. Hard to understand yourself, isn't it?