|
|
CoDependence : The Insidious behavior that makes you a prisoner in your own life.
Aha! There's the kicker. So that people will love you, and appreciate you, and accept you, and notice you, and owe you. Oh no! Not you! You just do it because it is the right thing to do. You never expect thanks, or praise, or recognition, not at all. In fact, if people thank you for the good things you do, you probably brush their thanks aside. "Oh, it's nothing.", you are fond of saying, "I just do it out of love." In your secret heart. But, when you want something done for you, there never seems to be anyone around to do it for you. And in your secret heart of hearts you think, "After all I've done for them." That's the rub. You were keeping score. There is no way that any of the recipients of your gracious giving could ever adequately pay you back. You will always be one up on them. This is where you get your feeling of superiority and power. And that is the basis of your sense of disease, your co dependence. Using others to make you feel good about yourself and attempting to change them in the process. All the time you have been being such a good person, you have secretly been expecting other people's behavior to change as a result of the good things you have been doing for them. Sounds complicated, doesn't it? Let's think about it. Here's an example: Let's take the person you are living with right now. You do everything for them. You do the grocery shopping, make the meals, clean the house, do the laundry, pick up after them, buy nice things for them that fit their likes and interests, know what's best for them, even buy their clothes, plan your activities around what they like to do, watch the television programs that they like, listen patiently to their complaints about work, always agree or never disagree in matters that would be upsetting to them, have sex when you don't really want to, and never, never ask for something you want just for yourself. Aren't you special! Who wouldn't want to have someone just like you in their lives? No One Really Cares But they don't seem to appreciate you. They just take your good deeds for granted. They just expect more. At some point you get upset and say something about all of this stuff. You tell them all how they should behave toward you. Aha! There we have it. That's it! That's the problem! You were hoping that all of the good things you had been doing for them, your spouse, your children, your family members, your coworkers, all of them, would serve as an example of how they should behave toward you. AND THEY HAVE NOT DONE SO! UNGRATEFUL SO AND SOS THAT THEY ARE. You think you are a power of example. They think you are a tough task master, a perfectionist, or worse yet, they think of you as the maid. And so it goes. You try to show them how to treat other people by your example. And they don't. You get resentful. But you never say anything, you just do more, do it bigger, do it better. Then one day you've had enough and you explode. "Why can't they be more like me?" you wonder, "After all that I have done for them!" What's wrong with this picture? You have been trying to make other people behave the way that you think they should behave. You have used manipulation to get what you want, and you are angry and resentful when you don't get it. You cannot admit this to anyone, most especially not to yourself But, your relationships are not satisfying, no matter how hard you try; the people you care about don't ever behave the way that you know they should. They never will. Or if they do, they will have their own set of resentments toward you. What to do What to do? Take an honest inventory of your behavior. Look at the naked truth about your motives. If you are a self-sacrificing martyr, giving up all of yourself for others, YOU ARE IN BIG TROUBLE! You can call us here at RECOVERY CENTRAL for help. Email us at RecoveryCentral@aol.com or call 1 800 754 1452 for a free initial consultation. In the Spirit of Recovery we will work with you to help bring about change in your life.
| |||||
This is the toughest addictive behavior to give up, bar none. Why? Because it seems like such a natural part of your life, of your being, of who you are and who you were meant to be. A caregiver. A nurturer. A generous, giving individual who always puts the needs of others before your own. Unselfish. Willing to go the extra distance for family, friends, coworkers, even the people suffering in far away lands. They all come before you and your needs. What a saint you are! Or are you the role model for Mary Martyr? Burning yourself at the stake every day so that you can be so good that people will love you for it.
